the antipodes

I am concentrating, furiously, all the time. I get so frustrated and distracted by interruptions and minor details because every moment is a holy moment, or at least I try to make it so. I am so tired because I'm always in the process of making the Kirkegaardian leap; I am always on a quest to one of the finite provinces of meaning, in hopes that I can learn something there
out of the reach of this watered-down reality.

I realized last night that I need to re-discover the grace of being alone. I realized that I have been left so untrained in morality that I (along with so much more of the world) turn simply to the whims and mores of the collective to proscribe what is and is not right. I realize that I have to stop. I realize that it's going to be the same mountain over and over again. I will become hopefully sisyphean in my quest for self-knowledge and self-defined thought. Learning morals is to become a battle eternally fought and seldom won. But I will push my way up the hill. I will become my own hive-mind. I can no longer be tossed around by a mutant and nameless system of thought. I am not a scrap of paper on the wind. I am a solid body. I am a physical presence. My actions have consequences, and I want to be taught.