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this is a poem about how nobody loves me
and how nobody cares enough about me to come over
to my house where i'm reduced
to puppy whining in the back
of my throat
and reading other people's work
with absolutely no confidence
that i'll ever produce my own again

with this idea of a poem as a thing
a thing that i can't do anymore
because i am addicted to problem-solving
because i want every emotion
to be useful
to alleviate pain
to notify everyone about the stakes of suffering

because i want to be whole
because i want to feel
like i was never abandoned
that my parents love me
that my brother isn't sick
that i'm not sick
that i

that i am.

i can't control what i am
i can't control the universe
the spinning moon

i can't control the way an allusion
to a cow in a poem makes my heart expand
softly as i recall everything beautiful about the day
i spent with adrian listening
to moos in marin county
calmly waiting for nothing
but more happiness.